What does happiness mean? I often ponder this question because a lot of the time I don’t feel happy and I feel guilty that I don’t feel happy. For me happiness comprises a number of things:

– Being content
– Being busy
– Having a feeling of self-worth
– Being positive about life, even when bad things happen

I find that my happiness depends a lot upon how I am feeling about the above things. I often find that keeping busy helps with the happiness level. If I find I am at a loss for things to do (in 2016 right, in the UK, how is that possible? I feel guilty saying I feel “bored” sometimes) then I start mulling things over. Emetophobia, depression, what I haven’t done with my life and what I feel I failed at. I hate these thoughts because they aren’t productive at all. And they don’t change anything. All I have is today and today is the day that I CAN make a change. Each day I try and tell myself I have a choice. I can choose to be happy or choose to be sad. I know it isn’t always so easy and when I was very low last spring, I didn’t care about that choice. I didn’t even want to get up to make any choice. But having gone back on meds, it has given me that little push I need to say “come on, make that choice today, make today a good day”.

For me, happiness right now is a number of things:
– Having my family and friends around me.

– Remembering that I am physically healthy and that this isn’t something to take for granted.

– Remembering to be kind to myself when I don’t feel mentally healthy. It’s ok to have a down day.

– Feeling content that after work, I can come home and snuggle my boy and enjoy a glass of wine. And that’s all that matters. I don’t need to change the world. I don’t need to feel like I’ve achieved huge things. For my boy, I AM his world right now.

– Focusing on the small stuff makes me happy. By small stuff I mean that the sun is shining or that at the end of a busy work day I come home to a warm, safe home, as above!

I used to dread the weekends and often ask my husband what the point of life was. Right now I feel happy that each week I get that weekend and I get that choice to be happy and make it a good one. I am waffling on really but for a while I wasn’t sure what happiness was and I felt guilty that on paper I should be feeling happy, yet in reality I didn’t. Here’s to a happy weekend :)

Mummuddlingthrough
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