There aren’t many things my vomit phobia has stopped me doing. At least things I don’t feel like I missed out on. I don’t care too much that I prefer not to ride roller coasters. Or that I never want to go on a cruise holiday. These things don’t overly bother me. There are a number of life events though that I regret letting emet take over. And this is a hard post for me to write.I always feel there are life events which were supposed to be times when I shouldn’t focus on being sick. However it’s at times like these, major life events, that emet is at its most fierce. And I do regret letting it play a part. This also sometimes leads to feelings of guilt.
- My wedding. Emetophobia played a huge part in this and in hindsight I wished we’d just done something smaller or waited until I was well enough. Looking back, I wasn’t in a great place at all. I was beyond anxious that I’d be sick and ruin the day for J, my family and my friends. It was way too much pressure and I didn’t overly enjoy it until the ceremony was over.
- My hen party. I didn’t really enjoy it at all. For the same reasons as above. I just felt too much like the centre of attention and I was anxious that if I felt sick or was sick, I’d be letting my friends down.
- Every other hen party and wedding I’ve ever gone to. I just get so anxious that I’ll be sick and ruin the day for the bride-to-be, that I can’t relax and often set my IBS off, which in turn sets a panic attack off.
- The birth of my son. Another event semi-ruined because of emetophobia. When I had Brandon, was I desperate to see my baby? Did I long to hold him? No, I was anxious the site of the blood and gooeyness would make me feel or be sick. Honestly. I shit you not. The whole stay in hospital was dictated by my emetophobia and I didn’t eat for hours and hours because I was anxious that I’d be sick. Literally all I cared about was whether I would be sick or not and whether anyone else in the ward would be sick or not.
- Early baby days – yep semi ruined by emetophobia and anxiety.
- Helping other people. I regret all the times I simply walked away from friends or family members when they’ve been sick. Emetophobia is an incredibly selfish phobia (in my opinion) and I literally only care about myself if someone else is sick. All I care about is getting away, fast. People have said things in the past which have only gone on to make me feel more shit about myself. I already feel guilty. I regret the times I left my husband and sat in the car while he was sick. I regret not going into my son’s bedroom when he vomited. I regret sitting on the stairs hearing him cry for mummy, only to have daddy say “mummy is downstairs getting some water”.
So there, R is for regret and the things I wished emet hadn’t cast a dark cloud over.